In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
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“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Anyone want a chair?
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.