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I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
*Inspirational Tweets*
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Herpes is trending, good job people
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Finally, a door that understands me
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
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Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*