“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
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American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …