Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
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I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”