“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”
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[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Whisper out to librarians!
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Eat…
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Ok who’s got my black socks?
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*