-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
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Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions