Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
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Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex