[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work