[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
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The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?