My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
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Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona