My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
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At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
me: my friends:
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!