Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
You Might Also Like
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.