[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
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Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Just got to our Airbnb!
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
only 11 steps left
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
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This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
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Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
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I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
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If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps