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How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.