My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
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An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.