I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
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I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.