Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
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[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad