I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
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A tragic love story in two pictures.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined