Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
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My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost