Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
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If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I have never related to a cat more
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Succinctly put.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it