God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
You Might Also Like
“i am a sweet baby”
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem