I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
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We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Morning my dudes.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever