Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
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*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
“you recording!?”
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Well, this is awkward
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)