I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
You Might Also Like
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.