I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
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HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.