[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
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*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
i wish we could shoplift online
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems