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1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
c’mon!
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
the dark web is just a goth google.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*