Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
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Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Wikigenius
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.