“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
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Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
thinking about a very short hotdog
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Breaking news:
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
it is time once again
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.