No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
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me: you misspelled school
8yo: I donāt think āhā needs to be in that word
me: I think youāre taking our āthink for yourselfā talk a little too far
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, weāre done and youāre leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to ātake immediate actionā so I bought a boat on Amazon. I donāt know I feel like they could be more specific.
ME: Iām always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I donāt know what to do with that.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection š
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
āItās MY WIIIIFE, itās now or neverā – Borat Jovi
Iām not even remotely sorry
Very good news from my accountant
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Iāve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
š¶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hairš¶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.