Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
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Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
no
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.