Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
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he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.