Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
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MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?