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Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a