Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
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The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Hmm, not sure about this change
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂