Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
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That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!