People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
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This January has 47 Mondays
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
*gets down on one knee*
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.