Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
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pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
My flabber has been gasted.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
i’m sure it’s fine
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.