*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
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Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Social distancing in Australia:
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My what?
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.