“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
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People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”