Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
You Might Also Like
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”