Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
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My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.