They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
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Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US