When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
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Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
At least try to make it slightly believable
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”