Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
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The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
I can’t deal with men any longer
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.