Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
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Wedding planning is organized crime.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree