Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
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“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
The future is now.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.