How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
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If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows