if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
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lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
so weird how every mom was born today