I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
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[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
The Assassin.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts